


piledriver waltz

by smilesstar



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: F/M, angsty, but cos and 03 are super angsty so, my first fic on here!, of course the first fic i post is a barrage of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 19:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12564656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilesstar/pseuds/smilesstar
Summary: “Brother? Can I ask you a favor?”“Sure Al,” Ed responded. “Anything.”“Okay,” Al started. “Would you please stay away from Winry?”slight cos AU/edwinedit 11/05/17: i changed the spacing and grammar issues, hopefully making this an easier read!





	piledriver waltz

**Author's Note:**

> alright, guess i'm really doing this, huh? this is my first fanfic i’ve ever had the courage to publish, so hopefully it doesn’t suck too badly! this is an AU to the COS movie, post 03 if you haven’t seen it. the title is a reference to a song, Piledriver Waltz by Alex Turner and the Arctic Monkeys. both versions are amazing, but i personally prefer the Alex Turner one. here’s a link to the song, if you would to [listen.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou1iMvB64oc)  
> thank you for clicking on this story and i hope you enjoy!

When he thought he saw her, it was out of the corner of his eye.

Long blond hair. A thin, but strong build. Pale skin.

Winry…

“It’s not her.”

 _Huh?_ Al’s voice brought him out of his trance.

“Her hair is shorter now. About to her shoulders, brother.”

The girl finally turned around. The brown eyes and absent piercings resembled none of the automail mechanic.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ed fired back, walking in the opposite direction.

“Brother, wait!” Al exclaimed, rushing to catch up to his brother’s hurried steps.

Being back in Amestris was… odd. After being in a different dimension for so long, it seemed like everything but nothing had changed. Even though he had only been here for about two days, he felt a feeling of home that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Having Al back in his life was amazing, as was the familiarity.

But one thing was missing…

“She’s fine,” Al continued. “She completely took over granny’s automail shop, she has made quite a few connections. She’s widely-known for being one of the best mechanics in Amestris.”

“Is she now?” Ed tried to sound uninterested, but inside he was bursting with pride. He was so proud of her, he always knew how much talent and potential she had.

Even if he rarely ever told her.

“Mmhm!” Al responded, his smile reflecting his respect for their childhood friend. “She also…” Al cut off mid sentence.

“She what?” Ed inquired, turning to his sibling with a raised brow.

“Brother? Can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure Al,” Ed responded. “Anything.”

“Okay,” Al started. “Would you please stay away from Winry?”

“Huh?” Ed was confused.

“She’s engaged, you know? His name is John, and he’s an aerospace engineer. They’ve been together for about two years now, and they’ve known each other for even longer. He makes her very happy, and their wedding is coming up. I don’t want to jeopardize their relationship.”

Ed looked at his brother dumbfounded, trying to take all of this in. He felt heartbroken, and almost offended that she hadn’t waited. He knew that it was selfish, especially since he always tried to act like he didn’t care.

_But he did care._

_He cared way, way, too much_.

He had known for years that he had feelings for Winry. He had regrets. He always wondered what would have happened if he had leaned more into her touch when she was working on his automail. He always wondered what would have happened if he held her hand, grasping her small fingers softly with his automail ones. He always wondered what would have happened if he had kissed her, ran his fingers through her silky hair, lowered her on the bed and explored every curve, every dip, every detail of her body…

He always wondered what would have happened if he had told her.

_But it was too late for that now._

“Well of course she’s engaged, Al,” Ed responded, trying to come across as nonchalant. “She has to be what, 18 now? If she hadn’t found someone by now, she probably would’ve ended up marrying one of her wrenches.”

“Brother…” Al knew. He always knew. He could see right through his act, knowing the internal pain he was feeling inside his heart.

“Why can’t I see her? Are we not invited to the wedding or something?” Ed joked.

_I sure hope we’re not._

“You know why, brother,” Al responded.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Ed brushed him off, his pace quickening again. He turned around to look back at his brother. “Look, you can either stand there and lecture me, or we can go get something to eat.”

The look that Ed gave Al was bland, but he could see the pleading in his eyes, asking his brother to drop the topic.

“Okay.” And with that, they didn’t bring up Winry for the rest of the evening.

…  
It was stupid.

So incredibly stupid.

Of _course_ she had found someone. How did he not expect her to find someone?

Had he just expected her to wait forever?

She had found someone who was good enough for her. Someone who would never leave. Someone more handsome, more intelligent, taller…

His train of thought came to a stop.

Wait.

How did he know this guy was good enough for Winry?

He could be some dumb, unreliable, pipsqueak dickhole!

He sat up. Would it hurt to get some information on this guy? John, Al said?

Winry was the most amazing girl on the planet. If she was going to be forever wed to this guy, he had to be just as incredible as she was. If that was even possible.

 _Stop this_. His cruel conscience stepped in. _Winry is a grown woman, she can make her own decisions. If she’s marrying this guy, she obviously loves him. That’s all that matters. Stay out of this. Don’t hurt her anymore_.

The voice in the back of his head was ignored. Ed was already grabbing his coat and tip toeing out the door, careful to not wake Al.

…  
_Just knock on the door, Ed._

He had been standing outside her door for three minutes. He couldn’t knock.

Couldn’t hurt her again.

_You came all the way here, Ed. Knock on the damn door._

This was such a bad idea. He came all the way here, to what? To examine her fiance? To intrude on her personal life?

_A life he wasn’t a part of anymore?_

He turned around. This was for the best, he needed to leave. Run away. Like he always did.

_This was for the best._

As he was leaving, his clumsiness decided to get the best of him, and he tumbled down the stars.

He let out a yell, as he landed face-down on the ground.

“John?” He heard a familiar voice exclaim. “Is that you? Are you okay?”

_No, no, no, no, no. Fuck. Get the fuck up Ed! RUN!_

It was too late.

The door sprang open.

“John what are you--” Her voice was cut off as she saw her childhood friend, sprawled on the ground.

“Ed?” Winry’s voice was soft, full of emotion, and the same.

_Just as soothing as he remembered it._

She had cut her hair. It hung just below her shoulders. It looked good, but she would look good in anything. She still had her piercings. Her eyes were still as blue as the ocean after a storm. She was still just as enchanting.

“Hey Winry.” Ed sat up, rubbing the back of his head. “Not the most graceful reunion, huh?”

Winry smiled fondly. “Well around you, nothing has ever been very graceful.”

She walked over to him, extending a hand to help him up. When his fingers touched hers, his entire being turned to mush.

_Oh God, how he loved her._

“I’m assuming you’re here for a checkup?” Winry inquired, her head tilting slightly to the side as she examined his surprisingly intact automail.

Ed hadn’t even thought of an excuse to tell her. He had just fled without any thought.

“Well, a guy can’t check up on his friend every now and then?” Ed teasingly asked.

“I mean, ‘a guy’ can,” Winry responded, “But most of the time it’s rare to even get a call from you.”

“Yeah, yeah, stop the nagging would you?” Ed brushed her off. “Can I come in or what?”

Winry shook her head, and then smiled. “Sure, I’ll make some tea. I’m also checking out that automail, making sure whatever mechanic you’ve got in that other world is doing a good enough job.”

Ed followed her inside the house, a warm feeling pooling inside of him just from being close to her again.

 

…  
“Make yourself comfortable, and take off your shirt while you’re at it.” Winry said, going to brew the tea.

“WHAT?!” Ed exclaimed, comically bringing his arms around his midriff.

“TO CHECK YOUR ARM, EDWARD!” Winry fired back, “Have you forgotten the procedure for automail appointments?!”

“Oh.” Ed took his arms away from himself, turning bright red. “Of course.” He went to pull his shirt over his head.

Though, he was certain a dream he had started out in a similar way.

_Do not think about this right now, Ed. Winry is right there, and you don’t want to make this anymore awkward than it already is._

“Sit.” Winry instructed, grabbing her toolkit and sitting in the chair next to him. “So you’ve been back for a few days, huh? How long will you be here?”

Ed’s heart sunk. She had known he was here, and hadn’t made an effort to see him?

“I’m not sure,” Ed replied, hoping to hide his surprise. “Al and I are doing some research, and we’ll just have to see how things go.”

“Hm.” Winry responded, focusing on his automail.

“So Al says you’re doing pretty well with your business?” Ed made an effort to not let the conversation drop. “He says you’re one of the best automail mechanics in Amestris.”

Winry giggled, shaking her head.

_God he had missed her laugh._

“I wouldn’t say I’m one of the best,” Winry explained, “I still have a lot to learn; but business is going very well, if you were wondering.”

“Well if you can fix my automail all those many times,” Ed said jokingly, “then you can pretty much do anything!”

Winry stopped what she was doing, and smiled at him. But was her smile a little sad? “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

Fuck, good job Elric. You made her sad again. That’s all you’re good for, isn’t it?

Time to change the subject.

“So that ring on your finger,” Ed started, “is that an engagement ring?”

_Not the best way to avoid a topic, Ed._

“Yep,” Winry replied, not even missing a beat. “His name is John. He’s an aerospace engineer, I met him when I was doing some research in Rush Valley.”

“Mmhm,” Ed grunted, knowing most of this already. “How long until you guys tie the knot?”

“About two months,” Winry explained, “and I’m going to be so glad when it does! I love him, but planning a wedding is more stressful than worrying about the two of you.”

Ed paused. _That hurt._

Not that wedding planning was more stressful than worrying about he and his brother’s antics, but to hear her say she loved him.

_I told you that coming here was a bad plan, Elric._

Shut up.

“Oh, is it?” Ed pretended to be interested in her wedding. The event that would take her away from him forever.

_Stop being so dramatic. She was never yours to begin with._

You never allowed her to be.

“Yeah,” Winry replied. “It’s all guest lists, invitations, decorations… I haven’t even gotten my dress yet!”

“That’s a shame,” Ed said without thinking, “I would’ve liked to see it.”

_What the fuck Ed? That sounded so creepy._

“Well you’ll get to see it at the wedding, won’t you?” Winry said, not even phased by his statement.

“Yeah, I guess.” Ed replied.

_There is no way in hell I’m going to that wedding._

“So tell me more about this guy,” Ed coolly inquired. “Is he as much as a gearhead as you?”

“I don’t think ‘gearhead’ is a fair name Ed,” Winry shot back. “But he is as interested in engineering as me, if that was your question.”

“Is he intelligent?”

“Do you think I would get married to an idiot, Ed?”

“And he’s good looking?”

“Not that it matters, but yes. He is very handsome.”

“Tall?”

“I mean, he’s taller than you. Even though that’s not a fair comparison.”

“Shut up. He’s nice, right?”

“Yes, very nice.”

“And he hasn’t tried to rush you into anything?”

"ED!” Winry exclaimed, appalled and a little flushed. “Of course not, he’s a gentleman!”

“Hmph.” Ed grunted.

“What are all of these questions for, Ed?” Winry questioned.

“Well, I have to make sure this guy is good enough for you, don’t I?” Ed responded nonchalantly.

“Oh that’s rich,” Winry snapped. “You all of a sudden want to pretend you care about my well-being, after years of not telling me anything, and not even writing or calling me when you had the chance!”

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Ed fired back. “Of course I care, we both do! We just had a goal to achieve!”

“And that’s just it, isn’t it?” Winry angrily asked. “Everyone that helped you get to this point is just a pawn in your game, aren’t they? Just another stepping stone to something greater, where you’ll leave everyone else in the dust!”

“That’s not fair.” Ed restated, gritting his teeth.

“No, it is fair Edward. Do you know what’s not fair? Worrying about a selfish idiot who cares about nothing but leaving you behind!”

“I never wanted to leave you!” Ed yelled. “That was never my intention!”

“Why are you here, Ed?!” Winry shot back, “Why did you even bother to come back here? Especially to me?”

“Does John know about us leaving you behind?!” Ed swiftly changed the subject, “Does he know about me?!”

It was silent for a second. Whatever Ed had meant to say, he definitely hadn’t meant to say that.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!_

“Yes, Ed.” Winry responded. “He knows about everything. About the leaving, about you. And he’ll know about you coming back.”

“Why?” Ed inquired. “Would that be a problem?”

“Ed, stop.” Winry ordered, but there was a tinge of plea in her statement.

“Is there something you’re not telling me, Winry? A reason as to why it’s such a big deal that I came back?”

_It was cruel, so, so, so, so, cruel. He knew, she knew. They both knew._

“This conversation is over.” Winry stated. “Let me take a look at your leg.”

“Tell me something, Winry.” Ed continued. “Is John okay with me being back? Is he worried, should he be worried, Winry? Why would he be worried?”

“Ed--” She was done talking.

And so was he.

He stood up, grabbed her by the waist and kissed her.

It was supposed to be romantic. Suave. Smooth. But he had never kissed anyone, and his mouth was harsh. It was all teeth and barely any lips. It was rough and desperate.

_Please know how I feel._

It lasted for two seconds, then Winry pulled away.

“Ed,” she was gasping for air. “What the hell was that?”

It was then that he realized what he had done.

“Fuck, I am so sorry Winry!” He sat on the bed, his hands to his eyes. “So, so sorry. So fucking sorry.”

“Ed,” Winry sat next to him, putting her hand on his back. “Calm down, it’s okay just breathe.”

She was patient. And understanding. _Always_.

Once Ed had catched his breath and his panic had ceased, he gathered the courage to look at her.

“Please Ed,” Winry begged, “Tell me why. Tell me everything.”

“Winry-”

“Don’t hold back. I need to know, I deserve to know.”

“You know-”

“I need to hear it. You owe me that much”

It was then that Ed decided.

“You’re right, I owe you an explanation. A confession.”

He gently, softly, carefully took her hand and placed it in his.

“Winry Rockbell,” he started, “I have been in love with you for an incredibly long time. I have thought about, yearned for, and dreamed about you. It’s selfish, and I am so incredibly selfish. I told myself I showed up here to make sure the guy you were marrying was good enough for you, but I know that I actually showed up here to beg you to leave him.”

“What?” Winry asked, surprised.

“It’s horrible, I can’t ask you to leave everything just so you can be with a guy who is unreliable, short, and not good enough for you. But I love you Winry, so much. More than anything. I want to be with you, I don’t care about the consequences of it anymore. I have to ask this now.”

He looked straight into her eyes.

“Is there any chance you want to be with me too?”

It was silent. Winry was shocked, at a loss for words. Ed was patiently waiting for an answer on the outside, but his stomach was doing flips on the inside.

Winry took a deep breath.

“Ed,” Winry began, “I’m not going to lie to you. Of course I have feelings for you, I have for a very long time. And I still do. I’m certain that they will never go away.”

Ed felt hope flicker in his chest, and he was on cloud nine. But she wasn’t finished.

“But,” she continued, “I’m in love with John.”

Ed could’ve sworn he felt his heart physically break.

“I am, he’s supportive, kind, he’s been there for me. I told him when he proposed exactly what he was getting into. I sat him down and told him everything. About my parents, about our childhood, about your mother, about Al’s body. Everything about you. My feelings, my grief, how lost you had left me.”

“He took my hands, and said that nothing I could ever say or do would make him leave me. From that moment on, I swore that I would always remain by his side. He was the only one who had never left.”

Ed was at a loss for words.

“I can’t leave him, Ed. He’s my everything. I’ve never felt more connected to a person than I have been with him. No matter how I feel for you, he is the one I am meant to be with. I am sorry, Ed.”

There was a long silence. A pen could drop.

The next sound was a cry.

Winry looked up and saw a distressed Edward, his hands to his eyes, wet bangs sticking to his face.

She saw the tears.

“Ed…” she started, but there were no words.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, only to resort back to a sob, “I am so sorry Winry. For everything.”

Winry wrapped her arms around him, bringing his head to her chest.

He cried his heart out. He loved her, so much. He wanted nothing more than to be with her. He didn’t deserve her, he knew this. He knew it even more now. She deserved a guy who could make her feel as special as she is.

_And that guy wasn’t him._

Yet she was still here. Stroking his hair, shushing his cries, soothingly holding him.

Her feelings were evident. As much as his were.

_If only you had stayed…_

He cried for a solid ten minutes, Winry never stopping her calming gestures.

_If only you had stayed…_

No. He couldn’t dwell on that now.

He wiggled out of her embrace, looking up at her.

“You deserve to be happy, Winry,” Ed said, his voice weak from the cries that tore at his throat. “You deserve all of the happiness in the entire world. I’m sorry I can’t be happier for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that happiness.”

“Ed,” Winry had tears in her eyes, as she put her hand on his face. “It’s not your fault, not my fault, not John’s fault. It’s just how life works. In another lifetime, a better lifetime, we could be together. But the circumstances are just not in our favor.”

Ed nodded, wanting nothing more than to be held by her again.

_He didn’t have that right._

“I love you Ed,” Winry said. “So much. But please understand. Please.”

_He didn’t, he didn’t, he didn’t, he didn’t._

He never would.

No one would make him as happy as Winry would.

“I do,” Ed lied. “I do Winry.”

She knew, she always knew.

But her smile was weak but genuine. She let him lie.

“I should go.” Ed started to stand up, but Winry caught him by the hand.

“Stay, just for a bit?” Winry requested. “The tea is cold, but I can reheat it. I haven’t seen you in so long, and I want to hear everything. I missed you.”

Those three words almost made Ed kiss her again.

_He couldn’t._

“I missed you too, Winry,” he said instead. “Of course I’ll stay.”

She beamed, wiping her eyes and passing him a handkerchief.

…  
They talked for hours about everything and nothing. He told her all about his adventures, the people he had met, the cultures he had encountered. The research they were doing.

She talked about her business. About how Granny and Den were, about what Al had gotten up to since he had been gone. She tried to leave John as much out of the conversation as possible, to Ed’s relief.

She fell asleep eventually. On his shoulder. The moonlight casting over her beautiful complexion.

He knew it was accident, but he wanted to think she fell asleep on him on purpose.

He did.

_But it didn’t matter._

He reached out to touch her hair. To stroke it, for the first and last time.

He stopped.

He couldn’t.

He got up then, gently laying her body on the couch, putting a pillow under her head.

Finding a blanket on the end of the couch, he put it over her.

He hesitated to leave, looking at her.

_I can allow myself this._

He leaned down, kissing her on the forehead.

He put the tea cups and plates for the apple pie in the sink.

Then he grabbed his coat, opened the door, and left.

As he was walking from the house, he hesitated.

_Turn around._

No.

He kept walking, kept moving forward.

That was all he could do.

He would live. He would laugh. He would work. He would be a good brother. A good friend.

_He would most likely never love again._

But that was okay.

He stopped in his tracks, smiling for the one of the first times that evening.

She’s okay. She's happy.

_I will live to see her happy._

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t really like the last line, but what are you going to do? thank you so much for reading! this is my first fanfic i’ve ever published, so any constructive criticism would be appreciated. please don’t write “it sucks lol” in the comments because i already know that, but I would love to know how to fix it.  
> here’s a [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgtXwSJgwOY)  
> to a scene that will cease your sadness to the angsty conclusion (i had to watch this three times in a row after i finished writing this).  
> thank you for reading, and i hope you have a lovely day! <3


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